Wednesday, June 18, 2008


Alright, I'm obsessing. I can't get it off my mind. It's consuming my every thought. I'm nervous. I remember very well how much pain I was in after the SARPE. I also know he'll be doing more this time. Just the thought of him screwing plates into my jaw and then wiring me shut, makes me sick. I feel like such a wimp. I want it done, I just don't want to go through all the pain and starvation to get there.
I had my cardiology appointment last Monday. I asked him how he recommended me taking my heart medication while I am wired. He says, "are you really going to be wired, like tightly wired?" Ah, yes! So, after thinking about it he would like me to try and fit it in the space behind my molars. If I need to cut it in half, that's okay too. I'm worried that trying to shove my fingers back there to slide a pill in after my jaw was just sawed, might not feel so good. I will ask but, I am sure my regular doctor will say the same thing about my thyroid medication and my birth control. Has anyone else had any experience with this??

I want my vacation to come quickly, I need the relaxing time at the ocean with my family BUT, I am not ready for surgery. Mentally, I just don't feel there yet. It's funny, if someone asked me a month ago, I would have said lets get it done as soon as possible. Now, with 3 weeks left, I feel sick.
I don't even know where this is coming from. I actually started this post back on the 11th and haven't been able to finish and post it.

This is so hard for me to write but, I feel like I'm going crazy. I feel like every ache and pain I have must be something bad. I actually had a colonoscopy yesterday and the doctor took some biopsies. My mind has wandered off believing I must have something horrible. I feel like I need the results immediately. Has anyone ever felt so anxious about something, you find it hard to even concentrate?

I keep telling myself to relax and to breath but, I'm finding it very difficult. I haven't even been viewing my blog for fear of the inevitable.

What on earth is wrong with me? What I would give to be 6… 8 weeks post op. Help!!


holski said...

Oh Michelle, I understand. When I had 3 weeks left to go, I felt the same. I think it's completely normal that you are really nervous. and not just nervous, but REALLY nervous. I was REALLY nervous. Like... lose sleep nervous. Like nightmares nervous. You are going to go through a lot of emotions in the next few weeks. I just want to give you a big hug and tell you it's gonna be okay! You will adapt to the situation just like you did with the SARPE. You will be wired, and you might not like it... but I think it's going to be easier than you think. =) I am wired as we speak, and I've just adapted. Sometimes, it's harder than other times (watching people eat delicious food), but you get through it.

I also went through a period before the surgery, where I thought there might be a million other things wrong with me as well. Now that the surgery is over, I hardly think about those things anymore. I hope this happens for you too.

As for the pills. I put my birth control pill in water (it dissolves within a few minutes) and I take it with a syringe. I probably could push it behind my molars and swallow it whole, but to tell you the truth, I've never been very good at taking pills and I can hardly do it when I'm not wired! If you are used to taking pills, I don't think you should have a problem just sticking it back there and swallowing it. Have you asked your doctors if you can get any of your meds in liquid form?

Michelle, if you need to chat some more, my email is or you can add me to msn messenger. =)

Girl, you're gonna do great. =)

stephanie said...


It all sounds normal to me. For goodness sake, I'm a year away and it gives me nightmares. I imagine I'll be a mess when it comes around to be my turn. And you'll be the one telling me that it's okay, and everything will be fine.

You are in my thoughts!

Rachel said...

I've definitely started to feel nervous. I'm trying not to think about it but it is a big deal. I'm to the point where I'm just ready to get it over with and move on. I'm actually getting excited. The thing I'm worried about the most is being able to breathe with my mouth being shut. I tried to work out on the elliptical with my jaw closed the other and I thought I was going to pass out! I guess I will have to take it easy for awhile. Just think, the sooner we get it done, the sooner its over and the sooner we get of braces!! That's some major motivation for me!

holski said...

Hey Michelle,
I wrote an email to your work account. Let me know if you don't get it for any reason. =)

Michelle said...

oh Michelle, Im sorry to hear that you are getting stage fright. I can imagine what is running thru your head, especially about being wired. Do you have a tropical smoothie store where your at? Oh man..I think that would be the best thing about being wired...Id go there everyday because Id have an excuse. Just keep looking at all the positives and how this surgery is going to change your life. You are going to do will be post op and debraced before you know it.

y said...

Michelle! I feel for you. I was in a similar state preop.Now I'm calmer, strangely, just hellbent on making it through each day; it's a more enviable state.
I don't think you'll be able to squeeze in a pill, but you can crush it, then mix it with water and then take it with a syringe. That's what i've had to do with the stuff they were trying to get me to take at the hospital.

lots of love. You'll make it.

y said...

Remember to stock up on things that'll help you breathe and unclog your nose - it'll be full of blodd, all the time, it's not pleasant but you'll manage. Day 2 and 3 especially are horrible nosewise.

Megan said...

I agree with y. I had to crush and dissolve my meds in water too. I wouldn't worry. this is all perfectely normal. i got myself some meditation tapes and would fall asleep to them. if i didn't my mind would race and then I couldn't sleep. Also, when i was really anxious i would have a nice glass of wine before I went to bed. that too would relax me. Deep breathes girl! You will b fine.

laura said...

Well, you don't have to worry anymore now =) But I felt like commenting anyway. I started feeling extreme anxiety before calculus exams and big presentations in the second year of college. It was horrible - I couldn't eat, sleep, sit still, read, anything - I just felt sick. I still have nightmares about it years later. I never found a way to deal with it either, other than just waiting it out.